Old-School Broccoli Salad

I used to think I didn’t like salads. But recently, I realized that wasn’t true. A Russian-style beet salad with sour cream? Mmm. Everything-but-the-kitchen-sink spinach salad from Costco? Amen. I also have a weakness for chopped up bok choy topped with crushed ramen noodles.

Which means, I think, that what I’m not actually a fan of is… lettuce. It’s insipid. The opposite of hearty. It wilts if you play loud music. 

But I adore salads that are munchable. Salads that balance sweet and salt and sour, that have crunch and chew, that err just on this side of trashy (mayonnaise, bacon, and ramen noodles are all welcome), and that can sit in the fridge for days. 

This broccoli salad is just that kind of salad — it’s probably the kind of thing that Americans ate at family dinners in the 1970s, and it’s completely delicious: sweet, tangy, creamy, and four kinds of crunchy. Plus, it’s a super dish if you’re the kind of person who likes to play “make the perfect bite” on your fork.

Broccoli Salad
Adapted from Cooking Light, Serves 8 

Ingredients
1/3 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup plain yogurt
 3 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon white vinegar

4 cups small broccoli florets (about 1 1/2 pounds)
1 1/2 cups seedless grapes, halved
1 cup chopped celery
1 cup raisins
1/3 cup salted sunflower seed kernels

Preparation
1. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil.

2. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, combine the mayonnaise, yogurt, vinegar, and sugar.

3. Begin prepping the broccoli — once you’ve finished trimming and chopping 4 cups worth of florets, the water should be at a rolling boil. Blanch the broccoli for 45 seconds. Rinse in cold water until no longer warm, drain, and dry well. Add to the bowl of dressing.

(If you prefer, you can serve the broccoli raw, but I’ve found that a quick blanching rids the broccoli of a faint bitterness, making it taste less like grass.)

4. Finish slicing your grapes and celery, tossing each ingredient into the bowl of dressing as you go along. Lastly, add the raisins and sunflower kernels; mix well.

Palm

- leftover milk-braised pork eaten straight out of the refrigerator
- three grilled artichoke hearts
- three and a half yogurt-covered pretzels
- two fruit and nut bars
- a few sips of whole milk, drunk in a church basement out of a Styrofoam coffee cup
- a Whole Foods food-by-the-pound lunch, including a puzzlingly al dente sweet potato kibbe
- many, many cheese sticks
- a seckel pear
- a roast beef sandwich
- four different flavors of Airheads candy, eaten under peer pressure
- half a Kinder egg
- a few bites of a Polish berry cake

Bed

- half a bag of yogurt covered pretzels
- a scoop of japanese potato salad, leftover scraps of milk-braised pork, and a grilled artichoke heart
- three fruit and nut bars
- a glass of iced green tea
- half of an astonishingly tasty black olive seitan sandwich
- a bowl of mushroom and barley soup
- a few ounces of poached salmon and more japanese potato salad
- more yogurt covered pretzels
- another fruit and nut bar
- peach juice diluted with water drunk straight out of the bottle

Extended

- three grilled artichoke hearts
- a quarter pound yogurt-covered pretzels
- a bowl of Japanese potato salad
- a few ounces of poached salmon
- a kiwi
- a bowl of sliced strawberries in peach juice
- chicken, egg, and carrot fried rice
- Dominican lunch-counter leftovers turned into an ersatz fried rice
- one chocolate malt ball
- an assortment of potato and corn chips dunked in a rosy-tinted cheese sauce
- two tablespoons of caramel-flavored hot chocolate
- a couple bites of a vegetable patty
- one slice of bread dunked in olive oil
- a sheet of matzo accompanied by cubes of swiss, cheddar, brie, and a pungent cheese from California named something-or-other “moon”
- a few sticks of Salad Pretz

Rodent

- a piece of french bread
- a tiny piece of lemon poppyseed cake
- two-thirds of a chicken quesadilla
- a couple glasses of peach juice and seltzer
- strawberries and blueberries with peach juice
- a bottle of honest tea
- pretzels dipped in pesto
- cabbage stir-fried with ginger
- miso glazed cod
- miso soup
- macaroni and cheese with chunks of kielbasa
- a pinch of shredded romano, eaten directly from the plastic container

Quarter

3. 25. 2007

- brand-new maple pecan granola with the last of the maple yogurt
- a curried chicken sandwich
- a madeleine
- a few slivers of forelle pear
- 2 gherkin pickles
- cheese and pretzels and half of a multigrain cracker
- 2 pork dumplings
- cavatappi with pesto and broccoli
- a fancy, sort-of thai dinner
- a celebratory vanilla cupcake

Dash

– bowl of maple yogurt with strawberries and golden grahams
– toast with butter and marmite
– toast with peanut butter and honey
– rounds of french bread dunked in olive oil
– cavatappi with pesto and broccoli
– two olives
– half a white peach
– half a bag of irresponsibly eaten shrimp chips
– a giant papaya milkshake
– more cavatappi with pesto and broccoli
– two rounds of roasted eggplant with mint-and-garlic yogurt
– a cup of hot water

Constricted

– grilled cheese sandwich
– cold eggplant parmesan
– warmed eggplant parmesan
– two bites of Wittenberg Breakfast Surprise (eggs with steak sauce, carrots, broccoli, and walnuts served on toast)
– a nibble of campo de montalban
– half a tangelo
– the meat around a mango seed
– pretzels, three of which were dunked in peanut butter
– glass of water splashed with orange and pomegranate juices
– spicy broccoli and chicken fried rice
– a third of a pizza pretzel
– piles of perfectly cooked white rice
– a few bites of chicken yassa
– a few bites of thiebou djen
– a few bites of lamb in sauce gombo
– many bites of: fried plantain, vinegary collard greens, cassava coucous, and candied yams
– the fishiest glass of water I’ve ever drunk
– a glass of water splashed with orange juice

Juggernaut

– small bowl of golden grahams and milk
– bigger bowl of berries with maple yogurt and granola
– piece of toast slathered with butter and marmite
– cup of chai
– two glasses of water splashed with orange juice
– two chocolate cookies with two kinds of chocolate chips
– “Purple Machine” Naked Juice
– a few strips of chicken teriyaki and bell pepper with rice
– a california roll
– slice of pickled ginger
– some sodden iceberg lettuce
– slice of olive pizza
– grape-flavored Vitamin Water
– chocolate chip cookie
– four blackberries
– a few chunks of piave and campo de montalban with pretzels and crackers

Antsy

– bowl of berries and maple yogurt sprinkled with granola
– styrofoam cup of earl grey tea
– an open-faced chopped chicken sandwich with tomatoes, spinach, and melted piave
– half a mango, four blackberries
– most of an alfajor, a crumbly Argentinian cookie filled with dulce de leche
– 4 caramel Hershey’s kisses
– one churro
– rice with cabbage, chicken, and green onion
– half of a tangelo
– two chocolate cookies with two kinds of chocolate chips